From the makers of TacoRank™ comes AskGlytpdon™. A reoccurring column where we tackle trivial questions with earnest answers.
When do I start telling my friends I love them?
C.S. Lewis said friendship is the moment when one man says to another “what? You too?” but what prompts the moment when one friend says to another “I love you,”? In this writer’s opinion it is a concoction of ingredients including degree of friendship, level of platonic-ness and, most importantly, occasion.
One must consider the level and intensity of the friendship. If the person on the other end of “I Love You” only sees you a few times a month, and often in a specific context like a book club, maybe don’t leap to love! To move from friendship to brotherly love ( philadelphia as the Greeks called it) requires a bond that transcends convenience. You might talk to your desk mate at work often. You may even go out for a drink together. But if the great scythe of layoffs came sweeping through the department tomorrow and one of you did not survive, would you still see this person routinely? If the answer is no, then you should hold your tongue on love.
Then there is the matter of platonics. If the percent chance you could become romantically involved with this friend in the future is over 10 you should not tell them you love them. Unless, it is in a group address (I love you guys!) or announced with your current romantic partner (we love you!). A platonic “I love you” misinterpreted as a romantic one is a friendship death knell. It’s like farting at a quiet funeral, there’s no covering it up.
Finally, the most important factor and the one that trumps all others is the occasion at which you deploy the phrase “I love you.” If you have misstepped in the first two criteria here, but have nailed the occasion— all is well. Even the most awkward and timid “I love you” can be covered up deftly if said while bidding adieu. “See you later, love you,” is perhaps the most nimble way in the English language to adore someone. Imagine a firm “love you man,” after sharing Friday beers with an old pal. Now imagine that same “love you man” shared on the way to the airport for an early morning flight and you will start to understand the importance of the occasion.
Can I drink non-alcoholic beer during the workday?
On the surface, this answer is a swift yes. It’s non alcoholic and that is the only kind of drink you can acceptably consume during office hours. But the non-alcoholic beer (NAB) does not hold up to scrutiny. Consider the other office appropriate drinks: coffee and tea have a utilitarian purpose as they deliver energy and productivity which is essential for the American economy. Diet soda, namely Diet Coke, provides energy and a socially acceptable manner of consuming dark soda. Sparkling water is another, whose fun flavors and textures make drinking water exciting. But the NAB lacks any utility on its own.
Picture a coworker drinking one of these at their desk next to you. Looks weird right?
The issue with drinking a non alcoholic beer is not the beer itself but the perception your coworkers will have of you. They will surely assume you’re in recovery. That’s fine. Recovering from alcoholism is awesome, but it stirs something inside the observer. Being around someone in recovery, or perceived recovery, makes people confront their own relationship with alcohol. And not in a fun way like Spotify wrapped for beer, more like having to see a credit card bill of every beer you’ve ever bought. In short, you should probably just go for that third coffee instead.
How far can I go from my front door in my pajamas?
Let’s put a fine tipped number on this one because a thoughtful question deserves a considered answer. I’d like to imagine the most common scenarios, find their distances and then weight them by how likely each scenario is to happen.
The most acceptable place outside of your home to wear your pajamas is to your mailbox or mailroom. Driveways are approximately 20 feet long on average and, in a suburban area, your mailbox would be at the end. This is the most common scenario so we’ll weight it at 60% in our equation.
If we stretch it a bit farther one can realistically wear pajamas past the mailbox if you’re helping a pet relieve itself. Some quick back of napkin math tells us the average front yard is 4185 sqft.[1] Assuming the yard is a square and your house is in the middle your dog might take a leak 65 feet from your front door. This is somewhat common so let’s weigh it at 20%.
Even further from there, you might go to a neighbor's house in a hurry to borrow beans if you rolled out of bed dreary eyed only to find the coffee can empty. Assuming you still occupy this imaginary, perfectly average suburban home on the day you run out of coffee you will have to walk 133 feet to your neighbor Jim's.[2] This scenario weighs in at 14%.
Finally, the furthest you might wander from home after that is in case of an emergency. For its rarity this is measured at 1%. Our distance calculus here is the average distance Americans live from the hospital which is 4 miles or 21120 feet. Considering all these factors, the furthest you can go from your front door is exactly 254.82 feet. [3]
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This was calculated, by taking the average yard size (10,871sqft) and assuming an average house (2,500sqft ) sits in the dead center of it. Then assuming the yard is a perfect square so the front edge to the front door would be 65 feet. ↑
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The calculus for this number was done by taking that same average house and yard, assuming your neighbor has the same setup and then measuring between the sides of the houses. But this number is only 83 feet because it assumes you might jump out of a window and then into your neighbor’s window. If you take the door like a civilized person which is 25 feet from the side of your house then it will be 133 feet to your neighbor's door. Granted you would still have to bee line over there. If your neighbor has a fence or a perfectly manicured lawn and you needed to take the driveway this number gets a little higher. ↑
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I’d like to consider one final factor I call the hangover exponent. In seeking relief from the drumming incessant pain of a hangover, one might go to considerable lengths in their pajamas. There’s no telling the lengths someone will go to in search of a cure. And with all caution thrown to the wind one might eschew “normal” clothes for pajamas. Consider the hangover as a variable x where 1 is no hangover at all and 10 is the morning after your birthday. We will scaffold this variable on to our final number so the measure of the hangover increases the distance one might travel in their pajamas. The final number then is 254.82x. ↑